Hey! I hope your Holidays are going great!

I’m sitting here crying and eating exactly 170 calories of a Hershey’s chocolate Santa! I just watched an ad for “Google Help-Outs” and it showed a bunch of people interacting over their computers and I thought to myself, “That’s what I’ll be doing with most of the important people in my life. I’ll be pixels.” So then I started crying. (The chocolate is helping, though.)

The holidays are always a little hectic, right? I remember when Napkin and I were just married and trying to figure out whose parents we would spend Christmas morning with. We are both from families that have a lot of traditions… and there was some serious planning to do in order to make it all work. Up until we were married, we just made up a day for ourselves and then went to our separate families houses for the actual holiday. This past year, we did a week’s worth of traveling to be with both our families (for the most part) and we squeezed in a night for ourselves.

And I ruined it.

I’m anxious, alright? I read (someone else posted this on Facebook, it wasn’t some medical study or whatever) that when you hit your thirties, any anxiety that you have sky rockets. Something about the big 3-0 makes it hard for you to keep your cool. Ever since I finalized my contract with this new job, I have  been frantically trying to make every moment with Napkin count. To the point where it’s getting really annoying. Friends have wanted us to hang out and I have this flash in my brain where I’m like, “BUT THEN WE HAVE TO GO OUT AND THAT’S ONE LESS SECOND WE HAVE TO LOOK EACH OTHER IN THE EYES AND BE IN UNIVERSE ENCOMPASSING LOVE!” This hasn’t stopped us from hanging out. Obviously, I want to see my friends too… but I am getting really stingy with my time with Napkin and I think it’s starting to drive him bonkers.

We had been out of town with his family the weekend before Christmas and had decided to spend Christmas Eve and Day with his side of the family. (We spent the day after and the day after-after with mine.) We knew that we were really spreading ourselves thin but I had thrown a real-brat-fit and made him promise that we would spend one night in our house, with our cat, and our Christmas tree, having “Christmas morning” for our little family.

And it was perfect. We had a candlelit dinner, we watched a Christmas movie, we gave Molly a present and left our lights on when we went to bed.

The following morning we got up late, had breakfast and opened presents with each other. We made lunch, laughed at how many feathers Molly had eaten from her new Santa toys and then all of a sudden it was time to pack and get on the road.

I just shut everything down, basically.

My brain was going, “Not enough time! Not enough time!” And so, even though things had been perfectly delightful, I started crying and got really mad. At everything… at my job, at my house, at Napkin, at Christmas.

I spent the whole ride crying and sleeping (so stupid) and when we got to Napkin’s parents house I finally took a breath and let myself get over it. I love his family– I love traditions… I need to chill the eff out.

Our Christmas week with our families was fine– it was good to be with everyone. I don’t know what kind of time I’ll have next year for all the visiting so I felt good about all the hugs and laughs and cookies we all had. We got home from our travels yesterday and were exhausted and happy and I felt fine.

But then Napkin went to work today and I woke up alone and afraid. I’m a nut-job, I know…but this is unusual for even me. I’m an introvert who loves a little shut-down time and my mornings of solitude are normally my time to exercise, do vocal warm ups, clean, learn Beyonce choreography, cook, blog… but I was so sad to be in this big, quiet house all by myself. So I got on the internet and watched a super-cut of Local News Bloopers but then that damn ad for Google Help-Outs happened and I just started crying and eating chocolate. (I’ve moved onto 160 calories of jelly beans now, if you’re keeping track.)

This is the week that I need to go ahead and make some apartment decisions. I have my final show with my band tomorrow night at the club where I started my career. Maybe I’m nuts… but maybe it’s time to let myself just freak the eff out so I can get into business mode and get started on this next chapter of my life. But if you have any tips on how to do that without:

• Scaring Your Husband
• Eating Chocolate
• Eating Jelly Beans
• Freaking Out at Everyone All the Time

I would really appreciate it. So would my teeth. And my waistline.

❤