Life / Thoughts

Real Talk

Ugh. I just stopped myself from searching local stores that sold chalk paint and sand paper at one in the morning. That was after I stopped myself from attempting to reupholster a chair cushion (I’ve had a glass of wine, nothing good will come from that.) I’m craving some serious hobby time so I settled with Pinterest boards about hair cuts and a fresh coat of nail polish.

Oh, what’s up blog? I’m quitting my job.

WAT

Yeah.

That sounds like it was an emotional decision. Or a spontaneous one. Like a decision that wasn’t talked about for months and cried over multiple times. In reality? It was a half a year long journey of soul searching and prioritizing that I HAD to keep quiet about. I couldn’t tell my friends. I couldn’t say anything until I was absolutely certain that I knew what I was doing and when and how.

And now it’s out there!

When I took this job in Murl Beach it wasn’t supposed to be permanent. I was newly married. I had purchased my forever house eight months earlier. Napkin and I sat at our little dinner table and said we would do it for a little while– that we would give being long distance a shot– and then I would come home and we would start a family. SO MUCH CHANGED AFTER THAT.

After my first year at the theatre, I was hooked. I loved the stability and the ease of focusing ONLY on performing. Before that, I had been solely responsible for where my money would come from and when. It was exhausting. I sang for three hours in small rooms. I had vocal nodes. I had a constant ringing in my ears. I had also gotten used to being on my own. Because of the schedule at the theatre I couldn’t travel anywhere. I had this routine of being on my own during the weeks and then being Napkin’s wife on the weekends. It worked.

I thought.

This past year was so hard, you guys. Napkin and I moved to a town that was in between both of our jobs. We were in the same place but only in little increments and then we would leave each other again. Our stuff was everywhere. Poor Napkin could barely remember which house that his toothbrush was at. I was driving three hours a day, six days a week to get to and from work.

We thought we were coming up with this great idea when we went under contract for that second house. WE ADOPTED A DOG FOR GOODNESS SAKE. (He rules. Molly hates him.)

And then it all fell out from underneath us and we just stopped trying to make things work. We fought. Like more than any couple should fight. We fought about everything. I stopped asking for help. I stopped feeling like I had a partner.

I saw my parents ONCE the whole year of 2015.

So sometime last fall, we scheduled a time to sit down and start talking about what we were going to do. Napkin is amazing in situations like this because he has the wherewithal to step outside of himself and not be emotional in the moment. He knew we weren’t mad at each other. And after a few week’s of convincing– I knew he was right.

So we started planning.

So many sleepless nights. So many tears. So many moments of crippling self doubt about my life goals.

And then I came out of it knowing that, with my little family, it was time to go home.  

So a few weeks ago, I put in my official resignation. I told my co-workers and my beautiful friends.

I’m coming home at the end of May. I’m still a little anxious at the idea of saying I’m “closing a chapter” so I’ll say that I’m “starting a new chapter.” Okay? Can we all agree on that? Endings are so scary for me that I just want to avoid the word completely right now. But the funny thing? I haven’t felt so confident in a decision in a long time. My relationship with Napkin immediately improved. I have started trying to actively be part of a team as opposed to feeling like I’ve gotta do everything on my own. I’ve made plans to visit my family. I’ve planned trips to see people I love get married. I’ve started to really understand and appreciate the notion of time well spent with people you love.

I have so much catching up to do.

Especially here. ❤

More soon! (*In the meantime all those old post links are like a truncated version of my life for the past two and a half years so if you’re bored– go nuts!)

 

 

 

 

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